Worst Song Ever
What's the worst song of all time? This question has plagued humanity for as long as music has existed – which is forever.
A simple Google search yields a few different results. The AI feature that no one asked for lists "Thong Song," "We Built This City," and "Achy Breaky Heart," among others. Wikipedia cites "Barbie Girl," "Friday," and "It's Everyday Bro," as well as Justin Bieber's iconic 2010 hit "Baby" – which I think is blasphemy. Rolling Stone includes "Blurred Lines," "My Humps," and "All About That Bass" on their own list.
But who knows better than all of these institutions? My Instagram followers, of course.
First, I asked them what, in their opinion, was the worst song of all time. I then took the 21 suggestions I received (terrible engagement levels, honestly; shame on everyone who didn't answer), put them in a playlist (linked below), and listened to that playlist for a week straight in order to determine – in my objective, unbiased opinion – a definitive answer to this age-old question.
Here are the results.
First of all, to the person who responded with "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen: you should know that I do not respect you, your mother probably doesn't respect you, and no one will ever respect you in your life. This is an incredible song, only made mildly annoying by its inexplicable use in every action movie and TV show from 2015-2020. It was a welcome respite from the absolute horror of listening to the rest of this playlist, which means it's immediately disqualified from the running.
Another song that is definitely not bad enough to be on this list is "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor, which is admittedly corny but also hype as hell and truly iconic in American culture. This song conjures up memories of playing Rock Band 2 in my neighbor's basement, and as a native Philadelphian, I could never disrespect the Rocky III soundtrack by calling it bad.
"Manic Monday" by The Bangles also received a nomination, which leads me to conclude that the person who suggested this song simply hates fun, loves capitalism, and hates to hear a hardworking career woman being open about the emotional impact of being her family's sole provider. This song is iconic, and I don't care what anyone says.
Similarly, the person who suggested "Happy" by Pharrell Williams must also hate fun, as well as the Despicable Memovies, and I can't associate with people like that.
These four were probably the only tracks that I knew from the start didn't have a chance of winning. I knew I liked them, and listening to them again and again only solidified that. One I was surprised by, though, was "A Bar Song (Tipsy)" by Shaboozey. All I knew about this track was that it had absolutely dominated the charts this summer, and that people made fun of it a lot, so I didn't really know what to expect. I guess I kind of assumed it was bad. Turns out, I assumed wrong. This song is fucking awesome. I'm not a country fan, but this song made me feel like a middle-aged man sipping whiskey at a dive bar, which might be the most powerful I've ever felt. It had me tapping my damn foot in the library's silent section. Literally no notes. It's on my playlist now.
Many were not good, not bad, but okay-ish. "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something is perhaps the epitome of this category to me. Its premise is a bit ridiculous – a man desperately trying to save his failing relationship by bringing up the fact that they both kind of enjoyed the titular movie – but also kind of cute. The singer's enunciation is a little annoying but not distractingly so. The production is catchy enough, if also a bit forgettable once the song ends. The lyrics are clunky and simple, with lines like "I hate when things are over." It's just fine.
Perhaps controversially, another track I'd place in this category is "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran. I know that a lot of people hate this song, and I guess a lot of people must also love it for it to have been the most-streamed song of all time for so long, but I genuinely could not be more neutral on it. The lyrics are bland and unremarkable, as is Sheeran's voice. The production is honestly pretty decent and undeniably catchy, but it never really builds up to anything particularly interesting. I do think Ed Sheeran is very talented, but this song is just so whatever. I'm kind of obsessed with the imagery of his date filling up her purse with buffet food to smuggle home in a taxi, though.
"American Life" by Madonna wasn't great, but honestly, it wasn't bad either. I can't help thinking that if Lady Gaga had released this song in 2011, or even if Charli XCX released it in 2024, people would be all over it. I mean, "I drive my Mini Cooper and I'm feeling super-duper"? That's Brat if I've ever heard it.
"34+35" by Ariana Grande is another filler song for me. The lyrics are a bit cringe at times, especially the spoken-word ending ("means I wanna 69 wit ya, no shit"), but honestly, men have released grosser songs about sex for decades. It could've been worse. At least her voice sounds nice. And honestly, at this point, any relic of Ariana Grande's pre-whatever-the-hell-is-going-on-with-her-right-now era is kind of welcome, even if I'm still confused about why he would need to wear a seatbelt when she's the one riding.
Just two more songs narrowly missed the top ten. Or is it the bottom ten?
I have a love-hate relationship with "Me!" by Taylor Swift featuring Brendon Urie. It's a guilty pleasure song of mine because, sure, it's objectively dumb and doesn't have very complex lyrics and sounds like it was made for kids, but it's still fun to listen to and I will die on that hill. Honestly, after listening to this playlist for a week straight, I've begun to really appreciate the songs that are just tolerable, and this one is absolutely tolerable. Also, I'm low-key mad that the "spelling is fun" bit got taken out of the song. I thought it was kind of funny, and honestly, I find the "you can't spell awesome without me!" part way more cringe. But alas.
The final song to just barely miss out on the final ranking is "Him & I" by Halsey and G-Eazy. Maybe this is messed up, and I'm not trying to show any disrespect because I do understand they're a talented artist and have come a long way in their career, but every single time I hear a Halsey song, I can only think of that old video of them singing Blink-182 in the mall. I understand that's my own personal bias and an obstacle that I must overcome, but it's my truth and I won't be silenced.
Anyway, this song is pretty bad, and not just because of the grammatical mistake in the chorus. Mainly, it's because of how forced and inauthentic the whole "Bonnie and Clyde" thing feels. Honestly, though, it's produced decently well, and this song isn't the worst to sit through. I'd kind of just rather not.
Now we're getting to the truly bad songs!
"Astronaut in the Ocean" by Masked Wolf
I had only ever heard the intro of this song when it blew up on TikTok for being weird, and I can now confirm that the rest of the song is just as confusing. The vocals and instrumentation of this track are pretty bad, but its true crime is that it simply doesn't make any sense. And it's not just the oxymoronic titular line. As far as I can tell, the entire song is not really about anything in particular. The line "I believe in G-O-D, don't believe in T-H-O-T" goes kind of hard, though it, too, is confusing. Is he saying that he doesn't believe thots exist? Or that he doesn't believe in their potential? Is he comparing them to God? We may never know.
"I Want" by One Direction
First of all, rest in peace to Liam Payne. Having never fully left my One Direction phase, I have only love and respect for them and would never perpetuate undeserved slander. With that said, slander for this song is, unfortunately, deserved. The only saving grace of this track is that it was released as part of their very first album, when the members didn't write their own songs and had little to no creative control over the process. While sad in hindsight, it's a relief in this case, because this song absolutely sucks. Sure, it's sexist – essentially calling all women materialistic, nagging, and immature – but equally bad is the fact that it's just boring to listen to. The lyrics are lazy and sound like they were written in five seconds, and the chorus is annoying and repetitive with uninteresting production and an obnoxious piano line. The only cool part is the guitar solo during the bridge. Much love to One Direction, but this song is absolutely one of their worst.
"Root Beer Float" by Olivia O'Brien featuring blackbear
This song absolutely deserves to make this list because it's objectively bad, but at the same time, I can't even hate on it too hard. It's kind of fun. It made me laugh when I first listened to it because it's just so ridiculous, but in a so-bad-it's-good kind of way. The lyrics make no sense – I still have no idea what the hell the titular root beer float is supposed to represent – and the chorus is laughably bad. The production sucks, there are too many ad-libs, and neither O'Brien nor blackbear gives a particularly strong vocal performance; and yet, the song evokes a weird sort of nostalgia. It makes me feel like I'm back in high school doing dumb stuff with my friends. It's the worst song so far, and yet I'd rather listen to it than "Him & I" ten times out of ten.
"Dance Monkey" by Tones & I
Yet another TikTok song! I was dreading listening to this one; in the past, when I've been unlucky enough to hear a few seconds of it, my automatic instinct has been to quickly leave whatever app or department store I'm in, and with haste. But I'm dedicated to this experiment, so I subjected myself to the full thing – quite a few times. And honestly, after doing so, I've come to the conclusion that this song would be pretty good if it were sung by literally anyone else.
No disrespect to Tones & I, but the decision to sing in that particular cadence and to use those particular vocal effects is truly mystifying to me, because it creates a nails-on-a-chalkboard effect that makes the song absolutely unlistenable (to me, at least – not to the over 3 billion people who have streamed it). It's such a shame, though, because the production on this song is actually sick as hell. The way each chorus builds up is so skillful and cool, and has all the makings of a great electropop song. It's literally just the voice. Also the lyrics, which don't make any sense. But mainly the voice. I just can't do the screeching.
"Girl That You Love" by Panic! At the Disco
Whoever submitted this read my mind and also wants to see me suffer, apparently. I'm outing myself as a former Panic! At the Disco fan to say that during the 2-3 years that I listened to their music consistently, this was one of my only consistent skips, and after listening to it in full for the first time in many years, I'm remembering why.
Yes, the lyrics are creepy and weird and from the perspective of a stalker, and the vocal effects are off-putting and make the whole thing sound flat and monotonous, but honestly, the worst part in my opinion are the annoying screechy metallic whines in the background. They quite literally make my shoulders scrunch up to my ears every single time, and I have no idea why they're there besides making the listener physically uncomfortable. If so, I guess that kind of goes with the theme of the song, but still, there's got to be a better way. It's kind of a shame because the more I listen, the more the underlying instrumentation actually starts to sound kind of sick; it's too bad there's literally nothing else redeemable about the song.
"Cbat" by Hudson Mohawke
The only instrumental song on this list! And it's bad. It's annoying and grating and sounds like something your cousin would make on GarageBand in 4th grade. Honestly, though, if it weren't for the infamy it achieved following that Reddit post by the woman whose boyfriend refused to have sex without listening to it, this song would kind of just be whatever. I would never choose to listen to it, but if I did hear it, I think I would forget that it exists as soon as it ended. Now, though, it's been made unforgettable by the mental image of some Reddit user's boyfriend grinding his hips to the beat, and that's a song-ruiner if I've ever heard one.
"Thirsty" by AJR
Hey, so what the hell is up with this song? Genuinely, does anyone know? Is it meant to be serious? I honestly can't tell, but I think it is, which is insane. The yodeling on the chorus is the most hilariously jarring part; I simply cannot comprehend why they would have made that choice.
In fact, everything about this song is confusing. Why does the chorus sound so out of place from the rest of the song? WHY WOULD THEY YODEL? And perhaps most importantly, what is this song even about? What does "thirsty Thursday" even mean?
This felt like an empty imitation of a song, like something AI would create if you gave it some vague prompt about drinking and having fun and told it to write a song based on that. It's weird and bad and that's about all I can say about it.
"Chinese Food" by Alison Gold
After some research, it appears that the man who made this song happens to be the same guy responsible for "Friday" by Rebecca Black, so I guess he just has a thing for turning young girls into unknowing laughingstocks. This song is weird, bad, and pretty racist (especially the music video, which features the creepy man as a giant dancing panda and the singer, 11-year-old Alison Gold, wearing a decidedly Japanese kimono). The singing is bad, the lyrics are bad, and the entire thing is pretty messed up in a way that feels entirely intentional. But it's not Alison Gold's fault! She was a child! Where were this girl's parents? That's the real question. This song sucks, but it's 100% on the adults who enabled it rather than Gold herself. That's the real thing that sucks about this song: everything about it – listening to it, watching the music video, reading about it – feels icky. It reeks of exploitation.
"On the Floor" by Ice JJ Fish
On my first listen of this song, I was absolutely floored. I simply couldn't believe that something this bad could exist. It's probably objectively the worst song I've ever heard in every way, from the absolutely insane vocal style to the GarageBand-esque beat to the weird and kind of predatory lyrics ("when I see that red light all I know is go"). It's off-key at every single moment, somehow. There is absolutely no regard for any traditionally accepted standard of what makes music good. This song isn't number one on this list, though, for one very good reason: it's a joke.
I can't actually find a definitive answer online as to whether this song was made with serious intentions, but it's so clear from listening that it absolutely could not have been. It's just too terrible, in a way that feels entirely calculated and intentional. For that reason, it can't win. The worst-ness of the worst song of all time must be completely organic. And on that note:
"Peach Scone" by Hobo Johnson
Here it is. The definitive worst song of all time (at least out of the 21 options I was given). This song was upsetting to listen to in a visceral way. To properly convey what it was like, here are the uncensored notes I took upon my first listen:
ok yeah so this immediately makes my entire body hurt the jay-z reference is so random oh ok so i love how the chorus is basically nonexistent and just the most annoying shit you've literally ever heard oh my god why the fuck is he talking about scones why is he talking about elon musk what the actual fuck is happening i genuinely feel like im losing my mind or having a stroke why is he doing that thing with his voice cracks why is talking who the fuck thinks he's a rapper?? who even is this guy oh i'm so glad he's proud of the song maybe he shouldn't be oh it's over thank god why did it need four writers it was just stream of consciousness talking holy fuck i feel like im genuinely not breathing correctly after it ended i need to take a second that shit activated my fight or flight i feel like i've met that guy in real life in the form of like 10 different guys and they all just combined into one and sang that song directly into my ear im freaking the fuck out bro
This song is so bad that I would genuinely listen to every single other song on this list a thousand more times than listen to it one more time. Listening to it felt like being sung at by a guitar-at-a-party guy, if instead of singing he just kind of talked at you about scones and being an incel while playing the same chord on the guitar over and over again and staring directly into your eyes. There's something magical about this song and how bad it is, and I think it's the fact that it feels entirely genuine. There's unfortunately absolutely no way this song was written as a joke, and that's what makes it so god-awful.
So, there it is, the objective ranking of the worst songs of all time. If you disagree with the list, too bad. Make your own. And if you'd like to torture yourself as well, a playlist with all of these songs is linked here:https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1jDs2QOLn1yOECIQZen20n?si=QcB-5TzwS2O9-kCwpEQskQ (Please ignore my barren Spotify profile, I'm outing myself as an Apple Music user.)